"Knees to the Earth"

"Be blessed, be loved, be lifted high. Be treasured here, be glorified. I owe my life to you oh Lord. Here I am...."

Aside from the crazy business of summer, God has been pulling and tugging on my heart. The way I have been studying scripture has been really different and enlightening. The approach is a very old style called lectio divina - literally meaning the divine reading or the divine word (I think). Eugene Peterson calls it a "basking in scripture." It is a way of learning to silence the inner voices of your soul so that you can hear what God is trying to say, (which can be incredibly difficult), being intentional in listening to Him, focusing and learning what He would have from you and for you.

Okay, I am little off track. I have also been investing in some summertime reading. A pastor I used to work for would say that you should be reading 5 books at all times besides your Bible. So I have a few in rotation right now. It is of no surprise to me that the topics covered in one of my books are perfectly coordinated with my scripture readings.

Many times in my life I wonder why, what, when and where. Why is this happening to me? Why did God want this to happen? What am I supposed to learn? What am I not learning? When will we finally arrive? When will this or that happen to us? When will this stop? Where are we supposed to be? Where are you? So much of my heart knows the answers to these questions. I know that God is sovereign and that His grace is sufficient. I do know these things. I find myself often standing in the gap between my will and knowing God is enough. So much of my relationship with God isn’t that we are wayward friends, but that I adore Him. It is so hard to not be disappointed. I am not talking about being selfish and wanting things to go my way, or the way I think they should. I am talking about feeling like a wounded lover. Hurt from the pain of disappointment, disillusionment. Wanting to be recaptured by my Savior. We must pray to want God’s will over our own, and this should be so easy. Yet, it is a struggle. C S Lewis put it the best way when he said “We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us. We are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

Therein lays my struggle. It is not that I don’t know that God truly wants the best for me, for us, for our lives. I do know this, and I know He is the most powerful God desiring to bring glory to His name. But I truly wonder how painful it will be. The road to His best – what tears will I cry, what heartache will I experience, what scars will I bear once I make it to the other side? Only a radical trust and faith could see you through this.

I think most of my life I have feared doubt. What kind of Christian does that make me? Loss of hope. What does that have to say about my faith? I had a breakthrough – wondering if God’s perfect plan for my life will hold certain promises, or even realistically expressing painful doubt and dwindling hope over lost dreams – this does not equate to doubting God. My loss of hope is not a loss of hope in my Christ. In these times, it is learning to hope in God’s own perfect character, not the hope of simply being rescued from my pain. God did not remove the thorn of Paul’s flesh – He simply said that His grace was sufficient. What a tough thing to learn, grace for the moment – although God is truly faithful in His outpouring of grace.

So it rests on this, is He enough? I know this has gotten long. I want to chronicle this time in my life. This long post is for me to remember. I close with this prayer…which I so diligently want for my life.

Lord, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off myself. Take my eyes off the desires of my heart. Help me to truly delight in you. Mold the desires of my heart and mold them to Your will. I don’t want to need to be anything more that I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don’t want these things to be a stumbling block between You and me.

I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache to You. Help me to not snatch it back as I so often do with the things I place in Your hands. Help me to truly be content with Your will and Your timing.

Lord, You know the desires deep in my heart. But until the day You give those blessings, help me to grow steadfast in you. Let me reach out to those around me. Help me to minister to those You placed in my path. If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts. Help me to keep You first and to seek You daily.

Let me know you are enough.